I've got the sun in my eyes


Under Water

I can’t think of any better title. (Yeah, I’ve never discover the creativity in me… YET) But this is just how I feel at this moment. A little completely overwhelmed by everything that’s happening around me. I am suffocating yet impatient for things to unfold. I am afraid yet hopeful. The clock is still ticking yet sometimes I wish it to stop. I know I need to go on yet I wish I can vanish into thin air. Or bury my head underground to forget it all. Ya know, those moments.

Therefore, I thought that penning it down will help me achieve some kind of temporary relief. I wanted to start a new old school handwritten journal (It’s been a long time ago…) but then, hey I thought, let’s brave it and share my journey with the world. (Anyway, I am paying year after year to maintain my blog, so let’s put it into use!)

Sometimes, it’s kindda scary to share your fear out loud, don’t you think? Then again, I really wanna record all my feelings while traversing through this journey. I believe it’s important for my own reflection later on.

Things been kind of falling down from all over the place on me lately. Or at least, that’s how I feel so. At least since I started my daimoku campaign (an hour of chanting everyday) for the success of my dad’s upcoming operation. He’s good now but he needs some ‘reworking’ (that’s how he puts it) to make sure that he’ll be good for long. It’s gonna be a major ops. (Again! My poor but strong daddy) But before the ops, there are many things that we needed to fall in place… nicely. Number one would be that my daddy will stays strong and healthy with no further infections (which weakens him) till the ops. Then followed by a long list of financial, timing, support, availability, work, school… and tonnes of daimoku!

Since I started my daimoku campaign (which I am quite proud to report that I have managed to keep up on most days except for weekends and occasional drinking days), well, things has been sorta going the wrong or right way (depends how you wanna see it) especially at work. Suddenly all these opportunities that I have been searching high and low for the past 10 months start appearing in my way. The good thing is that finally I may have a chance to get my bonus (which I kindda given up hope in), that is if I can manage to close these deals, and I really need that money. The bad thing is that it is taking hell lot of energy, frustrations and I am still not closing them in yet! And timing is crucial because I really want to get home before the ops to spend sometime with my dad.

The other good bad thing is that I realised a lot of things about myself meanwhile. It’s like getting to know me all over again. Hey, stranger! It’s been a while I am have been here and I believe the environment, culture or even language barrier had in some ways changed me. Shit, I can’t communicate no more with people. It’s weird and scary at the same time. I got so used to being alone, I just lost it. Do you think its the effect of blogging, facebook, twitter and all those craps stuffs? When I speak, I feel I am stammering on staccato notes. Don’t ask me about my french, I am incomprehensible. So, I’ve gotta break through this also in order to sell.

Oh well, but at least my chanting is keeping me sane so far. And blogging too it seems.

Que sera sera.

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