I've got the sun in my eyes



It is a scary moment for me. After a long long journey of traversing the continents in 3 different plane, I landed back in my homeland. For a moment, I couldn’t muster enough strength to walk out of the airport, to face the world. I just wanted to hide. The image of my dad lying in the hospital bed with tubes sticking out everywhere keeps flashing in my mind. That was 15 years ago. When I was just 14. Day in, day out, I spent my hours after school travelling with my mom to the hospital. It stretched over a period of 3-4 years I think. Dad has 3 major surgery before. Each time I remembered me sitting outside the operation theatre, silent with my hands beaded chanting endlessly in my heart, mom at my side, so much silence that the only sound I could remembered was the ticking of my watch. Time seemed endless.

Then I remembered the feeling of helplessness watching him lying in bed with all those tubes. Not knowing what tomorrow brings.

And I asked myself, why me? Why me to be there? To see, to feel and to bear all these pain?

But I also remembered that was the turning point of my life. Gone with the days of carefree childhood. Someone told me sternly and I never forgot the words, “You are the eldest, you need to be the pillar of the family, it is your responsibility to bring victory to the family”. With that, my life changed it course. That was the motivation of my life. My family. I chanted with such strong conviction. At times, even offering to trade my life with that of my dad to lessen his pain. We got thru the years… together. I believe that is one of the greatest gift the whole experience brought us, the special bond between us. More united than ever. Its been 15 years since then.

Everything happens for a reason.

Today again, I asked myself in the toilet of the airport, why me? But I grit my teeth, took a deep breathe and stepped out to the world.

When I came home, I chanted for an hour. I chanted so hard. So hard a conviction that it reminded me of all my past convictions, past victories, past experiences. Everything came rolling back to me.

How with that same conviction, I saw my dad recovered and continued living all these year (though with many pain and inconviniences).

How I had dared to dream a future and with that conviction, I got accepted and completed my studies in Nanyang Polytechnic, entirely fueled by part-time tuitioning and holiday jobs.

How I was so adamant to have the experience of living in Japan for 6 months and with that conviction, I managed to get enroll in the Japanese Language course (eventhough I was late in applying) and how miraculeously, in a very last minute, a company called in to offer their sponsor but only with stringent requirement to sponsor a female electronics engineering student. I was the only one in the hundreds of applicants which fit the bill. So I went and had the opportunity of a lifetime in Japan.

How I got my first job, which gave me the right sets of valuable knowledge and experience which brought me to where I am today (I got hired by my current company based on the role I had in my first job, eventhough I had worked for 5 other companies across the time).

How each time I got retrenched (remember I had 5 other companies in a short timeframe), the remuneration packages received was in time for a good purpose. For my dad’s business debts. For health. For education. Then the next job was a better one than before. Never lesser.

How I prayed that my siblings will have the opportunity to fulfill their dreams, with no financial barriers or of any other kinds and become capable people someday. For themselves. For our parents. For the world. For kosenrufu. I think we all turned out well. Very well in fact.

Life had been very challenging but took all good turns. The convictions. The chanting. Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo.

I still remembered the first time I heard it. I was curious. It was more of a new sport for a 6 year old. To sit beside your dad, rubbing the beads, chanting weird sounding verse that had meant nothing. But I was proud of doing it. I loved the sound of the beads, the sounding of the bell and the togetherness in the voices of the people. I also loved watching how different was the movement of everyone’s jaw while they chant. (Was I a weird kid?)

My dad, the man who brought Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to our lives. It was just a simple encounter. One that was over the fence, one evening just before dusk, a daily gardener and a routine jogger came to meet in the eyes, an exchange of words and an invitation. My dad loved doing gardening, though we had a very tiny front yard. The jogger, Mr Ng Teck Jin, I’ll never forget his kind eyes. There. That was the beginning.

Everything happens for a reason.

I’ve never had much money to myself. My bank account is a constant zero. I lived well though. Early this year, money just came to me. And kept coming. I rememebered, jokingly told a friend, for the first time I have so much money to myself and I don’t know what to do with it. I was also a little lost in my direction of life. My parents have their own life back home. I had managed to fulfill my promise to buy them a house 2 years ago. My sister got a good job and is happy with her new life in Basel. My brother is progressing well in his architectural course with so much passion. Things seemed smooth. What next?

I still don’t know what is next. But at least I know for now, why the money had came to me. Its for my dad.

Its just like the wound which brought him to the hospital, to meet this compassionate and careful doctor and to find that time is critical for his kidneys. He had been stubborn all these years. Fear too, I think.

I feel the surge of fire. The burning conviction of making the impossible possible.

For now, its for my dad. For no cancer. For his kidneys to fuel into life again. For his legs to heal.

In fact, this has always been first on my list of prayers everytime I chant, for many many years now – For my dad to be able to lead a fulfilling life, filled with happiness, free of pain and inconviniences. To be able to walk with ease. To dance. To do everything he wishes. To travel the world. To be happy and to be able to inspire another. I pray everyday for that one day to come.

The time has come.

And, for kosenrufu. To share this wonderful buddhism with the world. To bring more happiness, lessen suffering. To know that life’s potential is limitless. Ours. Everything is in our hands. If only we dared to dream it. And to make it happen.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. The mystic law of the universe.

5 thoughts on “NMHRGK
  • Nelly says:

    I never knew your sufferings and burdens until I read this. You always look have even during grey time. You have come a long way, I’m super proud of you. My thoughts for you and your family. Om tare tureha ture soha.. A chant my father in-law passed down to me and I’m to you.

  • Shoo Koon says:

    Hi Jaymy, just happened to visit your blog and read this entry. I’ll keep your dad in my prayer. =)

  • Yen Si says:

    Hey Jay, reading this makes me feel ashamed for getting troubled over what should be considered small things compared to what you have to face with your dad. I am so proud of you and glad that we know each other. Thanks for being so strong and set a good example to me!

  • Ms Teh says:

    Thanks guys for leaving nice messages!

    It is my hope that one day my writings may be inspirational to someone else.

  • Ong Hui Ling says:

    Hi, Jaymy..i am so touch & proud to read it. Your life is full of challenges but it’s so meaningful & wonderful. I should learn from you. Take care yourself

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