Posts from — July 2008

So the past 3 days has been really draggy, only time that zoomed past was during my chanting hours.

And I realised, I had chanted with a lot of conviction. Just like I had written in last post. A lot. And a lot.

In the past, I was always afraid to make concrete prayers. Or concrete determinations. I sometimes chant with a slight doubt, which is more like a mere superstition where things I ask for, are how things turned out the opposite way. But of course, in the end, everything worked out well somehow. It was just about the unpeacefulness in the mind during chanting. Its like I didn’t trust my own self and judgements. Chanting with a lot of wariness. And causing weariness.

But yesterday and the day before and before, I had chanted with so strong convictions, even I  suprised myself.

That’s the way it should be. A small evolution in my little self amidst this big huhaa time.

I am loving chanting

After 3 very slow ticking days, barely breathing normally, hardly any sleep and plenty of chanting, we finally got the results of the long awaited biopsy. No cancer! That’s the first victory and a very big relief!

The doctor said, everything is about timing. To me, good timing means in need of plenty good fortune.

So, as I shared before, the stubborn wound which wouldn’t heal has been really a blessing in disguise. That got him into the hospital, got him to meet the right doctor. This doctor has wisdom, quoting my mom

My dad has a very complicated problem. Therefore, the troubleshooting has to be very precise. To start with, when he got admitted, they discovered that he has high blood pressure, very high diabetes and almost non-functioning kidneys. Besides, there is also an unknown tumor near his spine (which concern us most).

The doctors had him put thru many many tests and discovered all these complications. They had to decide what is most critical to do first. Because doing one thing might complicate the other issues. With his compassion and wisdom, he decided first to insert some temporary tubes for the kidneys. To revive them so that my dad can be stronger to go thru the operation.

Then the plan was to do the operation to reconstruct the internal organs that was messed up by his cancer treatments 15 years ago, and at the same time remove the tumor to do the biopsy – to test whether the tumor is cancerous or not.

But there was a little disagreements between the doctors. There’s 3 of them – the surgeon, the oncology and the urology. From the xtrays, the surgeon foretold that the tumor is not cancerous but the oncology said the opposite. So the urology suggested that instead of immediately doing the operation, a biopsy should be performed on this tumor to find out whether is it cancerous. If its cancerous, there is no point performing the entire complicated operation as the patient will have little chance of survival as its a relapse case.

So that was our 3 very horrible days, waiting for the answer. Tick. Tick. Tick.

On the second day, we received some wrong messages from the nurse. It almost cost me a heart attack. But this morning, the diagnosis of tubercolosis was confirmed. Phew!

I read on the internet (power of google) that in many cases, both, the image of a cancerous tumor and a granuloma of TB can be easily mistaken on a scan. I believe this disagreement between the doctors was another blessing in disguise. For if they did not diagnose TB on my dad and went ahead with the operation, my dad will probably suffer from TB attack after the operation as his immune system will be too weak to fight the TB bacterias.

To make the story short, with the insertion of the tube, the doctors bought time to save the kidneys. So instead of performing an emergency operation, they will put my dad on medication to treat TB first. In about 2-4 weeks time, my dad will go in for that major operation. Then he should be stronger in his kidneys, in body (without risk of TB attack) and in mind. Also, with the medication to treat the TB, we hope that the tumor can dissolve itself and thus, improving his legs condition.

Kels gonna come back next week. Initially, I thought she should get a change of flight to be back just when he is going for the operations. But the change will cost a lot. After a short chat with my bro, I changed my mind. I think its another blessing in disguise, for her not to be able to change her flight. In fact, it will be more important for her to be back before the operation – to help to strengthen the faith and will power of my dad, instead of during the operation, just for the sake of logistic reasons. Because in the end, no one else but ourselves can will our own body to heal.

In the Gosho, Reply to Kyo’o: “Believe in this mandala with all your hear. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is like a roar of a lion, what sickness can be an obstacle?”.

Timing. Timing. Timing.

More time to chant too.

My dad say he’ll like to bury himself in snow (visting us during winter) and also do line dancing when he’s better. LOL.

Thanks to all who had sent their sincere prayers and wonderful encouragements to us!!!

It is a scary moment for me. After a long long journey of traversing the continents in 3 different plane, I landed back in my homeland. For a moment, I couldn’t muster enough strength to walk out of the airport, to face the world. I just wanted to hide. The image of my dad lying in the hospital bed with tubes sticking out everywhere keeps flashing in my mind. That was 15 years ago. When I was just 14. Day in, day out, I spent my hours after school travelling with my mom to the hospital. It stretched over a period of 3-4 years I think. Dad has 3 major surgery before. Each time I remembered me sitting outside the operation theatre, silent with my hands beaded chanting endlessly in my heart, mom at my side, so much silence that the only sound I could remembered was the ticking of my watch. Time seemed endless.

Then I remembered the feeling of helplessness watching him lying in bed with all those tubes. Not knowing what tomorrow brings.

And I asked myself, why me? Why me to be there? To see, to feel and to bear all these pain?

But I also remembered that was the turning point of my life. Gone with the days of carefree childhood. Someone told me sternly and I never forgot the words, ”You are the eldest, you need to be the pillar of the family, it is your responsibility to bring victory to the family”. With that, my life changed it course. That was the motivation of my life. My family. I chanted with such strong conviction. At times, even offering to trade my life with that of my dad to lessen his pain. We got thru the years… together. I believe that is one of the greatest gift the whole experience brought us, the special bond between us. More united than ever. Its been 15 years since then.

Everything happens for a reason.

Today again, I asked myself in the toilet of the airport, why me? But I grit my teeth, took a deep breathe and stepped out to the world.

When I came home, I chanted for an hour. I chanted so hard. So hard a conviction that it reminded me of all my past convictions, past victories, past experiences. Everything came rolling back to me.

How with that same conviction, I saw my dad recovered and continued living all these year (though with many pain and inconviniences).

How I had dared to dream a future and with that conviction, I got accepted and completed my studies in Nanyang Polytechnic, entirely fueled by part-time tuitioning and holiday jobs.

How I was so adamant to have the experience of living in Japan for 6 months and with that conviction, I managed to get enroll in the Japanese Language course (eventhough I was late in applying) and how miraculeously, in a very last minute, a company called in to offer their sponsor but only with stringent requirement to sponsor a female electronics engineering student. I was the only one in the hundreds of applicants which fit the bill. So I went and had the opportunity of a lifetime in Japan.

How I got my first job, which gave me the right sets of valuable knowledge and experience which brought me to where I am today (I got hired by my current company based on the role I had in my first job, eventhough I had worked for 5 other companies across the time).

How each time I got retrenched (remember I had 5 other companies in a short timeframe), the remuneration packages received was in time for a good purpose. For my dad’s business debts. For health. For education. Then the next job was a better one than before. Never lesser.

How I prayed that my siblings will have the opportunity to fulfill their dreams, with no financial barriers or of any other kinds and become capable people someday. For themselves. For our parents. For the world. For kosenrufu. I think we all turned out well. Very well in fact.

Life had been very challenging but took all good turns. The convictions. The chanting. Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo.

I still remembered the first time I heard it. I was curious. It was more of a new sport for a 6 year old. To sit beside your dad, rubbing the beads, chanting weird sounding verse that had meant nothing. But I was proud of doing it. I loved the sound of the beads, the sounding of the bell and the togetherness in the voices of the people. I also loved watching how different was the movement of everyone’s jaw while they chant. (Was I a weird kid?)

My dad, the man who brought Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to our lives. It was just a simple encounter. One that was over the fence, one evening just before dusk, a daily gardener and a routine jogger came to meet in the eyes, an exchange of words and an invitation. My dad loved doing gardening, though we had a very tiny front yard. The jogger, Mr Ng Teck Jin, I’ll never forget his kind eyes. There. That was the beginning.

Everything happens for a reason.

I’ve never had much money to myself. My bank account is a constant zero. I lived well though. Early this year, money just came to me. And kept coming. I rememebered, jokingly told a friend, for the first time I have so much money to myself and I don’t know what to do with it. I was also a little lost in my direction of life. My parents have their own life back home. I had managed to fulfill my promise to buy them a house 2 years ago. My sister got a good job and is happy with her new life in Basel. My brother is progressing well in his architectural course with so much passion. Things seemed smooth. What next?

I still don’t know what is next. But at least I know for now, why the money had came to me. Its for my dad.

Its just like the wound which brought him to the hospital, to meet this compassionate and careful doctor and to find that time is critical for his kidneys. He had been stubborn all these years. Fear too, I think.

I feel the surge of fire. The burning conviction of making the impossible possible.

For now, its for my dad. For no cancer. For his kidneys to fuel into life again. For his legs to heal.

In fact, this has always been first on my list of prayers everytime I chant, for many many years now - For my dad to be able to lead a fulfilling life, filled with happiness, free of pain and inconviniences. To be able to walk with ease. To dance. To do everything he wishes. To travel the world. To be happy and to be able to inspire another. I pray everyday for that one day to come.

The time has come.

And, for kosenrufu. To share this wonderful buddhism with the world. To bring more happiness, lessen suffering. To know that life’s potential is limitless. Ours. Everything is in our hands. If only we dared to dream it. And to make it happen.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. The mystic law of the universe.

In a haste and rush to depart, I sat at the lounge in the airport doing the very last minutes task I didn’t forget - to download songs my sister had carefully selected to serenade my dad during his long hours in the hospital. The medium of delivery will be my lovely Ipod Nano Red.

Meanwhile, I plugged on my earphones to listen to the songs which waiting for boarding. First song that sung was by Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun. It was so beautiful! I almost forgot all these songs I once loved alot. The last 2 years living in Belgium, I was constantly surrounded by the loud boom of house music – which is really big and apparently started from Belgium. Not that I dislike those music, I love them too. They give sense of drive and boost of energy. But these oldies, its just different. It touched the core of my emotions. It serenade my being with love in the air and fluttering flowers and beauty everywhere.

I guess our emotions fluctuates all the time, so different type of music spices up our life in the different moments.

For meantime, I am enjoying this playlist. They bring back a lot of memories from childhood.  

We’ve only just begun to live,
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way.
And yes, We’ve just begun.

Before the rising sun we fly,
So many roads to choose
We start our walking and learn to run.
And yes, We’ve just begun.

Sharing horizons that are new to us,
Watching the signs along the way,
Talking it over just the two of us,
Working together day to day
Together.

And when the evening comes we smile,
So much of life ahead
We’ll find a place where there’s room to grow,
And yes, We’ve just begun.

Ok, of course, one of the things I would like to share is my new cool swanky (or whimsical, as little creature puts it) apartment since July 1, 2008. Please come to visit!

The first preview.

Ok, pardon for my absense – due to no time and no internet access at home!!!