I can’t sleep so continue to bla.

I think my last entry showed a very vulnerrable side of me. But what the heck, at least I am honest.

Life ain’t always bright and shiny he. Sometimes, there are dark and rainy days.

Whats most important is to know that nothing but ourselves, and no one but me is responsible for my own happiness.

Buddhism emphasizes that everyone must take responsibility for his or her own happiness. But often we resist changes within ourselves yet try our best to change others. Buddhism teaches that there is nothing we can say or do to change another person. People will change only when they are ready. The only people we have the power to change are ourselves.

By weaving this understanding into the fabric of our lives, we can begin to rectify any source of unhappiness at its most fundamental level. We will see that our inner transformation has the unfathomable power to help ourselves and others in ways that no other actions or words ever could. We will come to understand that we must take care of our own needs and feelings ourselves while being mindful not to use or abuse others in the process. It may take time and effort but, in the end, we will prove to ourselves that not strategy is as powerful as one based on self-mastery – qouted from Tarogold’s article

This is what I did today. To reflect, realise and admit that it is my fear of being alone that is what causing me unhappiness and I will challenge it.

I believe, to know that is power because in every turn of our lives, especially in the difficult ones, it is in our hands to bring a changement to our own lives.

And this is what I continue to remind myself each day.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

That’s the only 2 words I could think of that depicts 2 very different state of life.

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Heaven is when I brave my own way to Holland yesterday to make a presentation to a customer. All by myself to the 150km of highways and 3 very attentive and curious listeners.

On the way back though, the GPS acted up and kept ejecting the CD. First it lead me into a town centre (diverted from the highway) and then it didnt work. So you can imagine how difficult is it to get outt of the maze of an unknown town centre at peak hour. Also, I think I put in the CD for 1000 times :S At the end, a journey of 2 hours took me 3.5 hours instead.

But still, I managed! Survived the ride and most importantly the presentation! And man, am I proud of my own guts. First long-distance driving experience in Europe and first commercial presentation la…

<———-
Hell is the thing I can’t explain why – being alone. Suddenly that thought itself freaks me out completely.

Past weeks has been filled with too much arguements and discussions with Mr D. I tried to figure out why is it so. Chanted. Read. Reflected. And finally I understood that it is of my own inability to be alone.

Somehow, it freaks me out. I know, I know, I should overcome it and I will but I guess, everything takes time. It just freaks me out to think that I would soon sit here alone day in day out on Friday evenings, Saturdays and Sundays (especially when all shops are close and I can’t even shop to take my mind off). The nearest bar that I know from my place is for 30 mins drive. Restaurants? Err, 20 mins away. Cinema? Err, far. Familiar voices? Zero. Friends? Zero. Not even a dog that knows me. What would I do?

Do I live in a ‘ulu’ plaee? Err, yes, Vilvoorde… doesn’t the name tells?

Besides, the weather is gloomy too. The days start getting shorter and shorter. It rains continously. Pitter patter pitter patter. And cold!

I am so tempted to just buy me ticket to go home. But money making ain’t easy and I have to be wise.

Well, I had expected this phase before I choose to come here. And I know sometime soon, I will forget these feelings. But now is the most difficult part, thats to get over and done with it.

But I will survive this. I have always and I will.

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One strange thing is I can’t help feeling sad that some just think that I am a lucky dude who seems to have it all and tries to stop me from getting more because they think it ain’t fair. But how true is it about people judging others only on the facade. Knowing so little about a person, the inner sides and real values and yet judging so much. You know, I believe I could have done a lot.

Anyway, that’s life. No one ain’t got the hen which lays the golden egg everytime!

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Always stay correct. Always have a solid foundation. Alway have strong faith.

Winter never fails to turn into spring