Posts from — October 2005

Just heard from a friend. He is devastated that 2 of his best friends killed themselves last weekend.

Wow, it pained me so much to receive such news even though I do not know who are the two people but they must have been in a real hellish state that the only way they could seek out is to take their own lives.

There is so much suffering in the world!

But one thing we have to realise (this I read just this morning), that problems and suffering are two separate thingy. When we have problems, doesnt necessarily means we have to suffer. Nevertheless, the separation line is rather thin and more often than not, we tends to be sucked into the realm of own sufferings whenever we encounter problems.

But the book says that suffering is in fact our own inability to overcome the problem. It is not the problem itself but our lack of believe in our own ability.

When we are confident that we can overcome a problem, we call that challenges instead

Coming back to the point of conversation, I do feel bad in a way now. Because when my friend was telling me, I kept emphasizing that we should always extend our hands out to people whom we think might need us. My intention is not to make him feel guilty but I truly believe every happenings, we must learn something from it, after all the tears and pains.

Because all this news brought me back to the time when one of my good friend killed himself. In fact all of us knew he has deep deep depression and had attempted suicide before, no one spoke to him and held out to him because its a taboo to talk about dying. We were talking a lot among ourselves but everyone was telling each other, let’s not bring it up to him, let’s act as if nothing is wrong. But something was clearly wrong and a month later, he hung himself.

Often, I wondered, perhaps I could have made a difference if I had went ahead to sit with him, to listen, to talk, to keep him company, to show him that life has more than the gloomy world he’s been drowning in… perhaps perhaps perhaps.

Nevertheless, I’ve made my vow that I’ll never hold back my act of compassion in future, I will give my best care to all and especially more to those that I think needs it.

A couple of years afterthat, someone very close to me attempted suicide. It was indeed heart wrenching. But we were very fortunate that we managed to overcome the whole ordeal together and today’s she’s a much much stronger person and also dedicated to help others.

So you see, compassion will snowball somehow… keep passing it on…

My prayers to the 2 good friends of my dear friend.

Seen this somewhere before but it still tickles…

English… 5-year plan.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-th year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

This morning I felt so down. I had a sleepless night and was in the office by 9am. Went for breakfast with the team, little noodle ate, few words exchanged. Mr S called me shortly afterthat for coffee. Little chats here and there. Spoke a lengthy call with Ms P though.

During lunch, I had to go home to pay the nice lady who helps to clean my place.

As I walked home, the sun was shinning so brightly that its impossible to stay in my dark dark gloomy world. The world just shone before my very eyes. The sun is indeed therapuetical.

Gave her daughters my old handbags and some dresses that I have out grown of. She’s so delighted! And that brings a smile to me face.

Read the papers as I rested waiting for her in my room.
It just struck me hard – I should NOT be in the glum when the sun is shining, I have a good job and safe from any natural disasters. More than 30 000 people believed to have suffered and perished from the 7.6-magnitude earthquake in Pakistan last Saturday.

Man, it just struck me out of my daziness. What a duh I’ve been!

I wish I can do more for those people in Pakistan. Meantime, I’ll send my prayers to them – for those who perished to be enlighten, and for those who survived, to have the strength to move on.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Its amazing how couple of hours ago, I was so lowdown, feeling as though the world is crumbling upon me. And next moment, I see the world and the vast beauty it holds around me.

** A quiet smile forms.

I am disfunctional today.

(Now I can pen my inner thoughts for I have changed my weblink and I guess I am as annonymous as I can be)

101 things crossed my mind yesterday. And it dawned to me that there could be a twist, more than I have expected.

It just came to my mind that he may have heard something unsightly and cancelled his trip because of anger, dissapointment etc? Last thursday, we were still conversing normally.

Suddenly he is avoiding me completely. And the pang of pain felt is almost unbearable.

Unbearable not to know what the real reasons are.

Once of the rare occasions where I didn’t sleep a blink, was up and about by 7am. Chanted for an hour to calm my nerves. Yet, the wait is almost unbearable.

I can’t help but think that maybe someone split some bad milk on me.

I am so scared of the world now. It is so dark and unknown to me.

I am shaking all over inside me.

Tears are all clogged up, not a single drop is shedded.

I am torn all apart inside, pieces only held on by a weave of thin string.

** Pain in her eyes as she stares into emptiness.

I am so empty with emotion now. Just pure emptiness.

I had a great weekend nevertheless, except for the nagging bits in the back of my subconciousness mind which I tried but can’t help to avoid.

Spent the weekend in Phuket with Ms YN, Ms P and Ms SM. It was indeed great, well spent weekend. We left on Friday evening, arrived there just in time for dinner. Did a bit of pub crawling and retired for the night.

Next day, the girls wanted to do the bungee jump except me as I was having a throbbing migraine (truthfully I was scared out of my wits but after watching them, I wished that I could do it and have some good laughs!) Thereafter we went for Thai massage and then a very light dinner.

Went to Patong to catch a couple of drinks and ended up having a nice time playing games and boobies

Sunday was well spent, soaking myself under the fabulous sun and occasionally dipping into the great waves of salt water. I am red all over now.

Admist all these, I never stopped to wonder, has he arrived? Is he doing ok? Entertaining himself? I think I called hundreds of times. Sent messages.

But all to no avail.

Till today, I never stopped hoping, wondering, visualising the moment which we will meet.

Till the moment, Mr Ar innocently mentioned that he was there. My heart dropped a million miles beneath sea level, my hands shooked and I turned pale. Reality sets in. I was the joke. And the feeling was immensedly dissapointing.

A foolish girl I have been.

And at that moment, something died within me without me understanding.

Nor that I wished to know more.

But I look for the next sunrise.

** She stares far and away, emptiness in the eyes.